My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
