i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
