Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
