I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
