saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
