When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
