Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
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