I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
