I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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