I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
