Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
