Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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