Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
