I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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