you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
