We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
