I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
