Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
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