just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
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when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
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Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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