just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
