Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
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Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
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Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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