Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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