Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
