I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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