I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
