My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
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Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
We were destined to go to rehab together
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Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.