I will die if light touches me.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it