i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
