i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
