I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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