I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
