I feel great
I just peed on a car
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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