It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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