If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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