rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
