i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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