$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
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It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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