I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
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