Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
