Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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