Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
