i would punch a child for taco bell
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
