yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
