I molested 6 butterflies tonight
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
