____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
