Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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