I think I won the penis lottery.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
