Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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