the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
