something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
