apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
