Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
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All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
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Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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