After last night, I could never be a politician.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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