Your mouth is God's brothel.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
