Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
