I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
